Postpartum Depression: One Woman’s Story

This is an interview with a woman who experienced postpartum depression. This interview is just a glimpse of what postpartum depression looks like for one person. Each woman will experience postpartum depression differently, but some of the symptoms and part of this experience might resonate with you.

*Please note that this story contains sensitive and triggering topics.

Samira Saleh: SS

Interviewee: I

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SS: What number pregnancy was this?

I: This was my first pregnancy

SS: What was the pregnancy like?

I: This pregnancy was normal, almost perfect. I barely had any issues or difficulties with it. Out of all my pregnancies, this was the easiest one ever.

SS: Did you have a normal delivery?

I: No...It was everything, but normal. It was a complete nightmare that still hasn't gone away.

SS: Do you feel comfortable elaborating more about this?

I: The baby died... His heartbeat stopped...His heartbeat stopped at 19 weeks. I gave birth to him at 21 weeks.
SS: Were there any complications at the birth of your baby?

I: Yes

SS: When did you start feeling like something wasn't right?

I: I had a friend who was pregnant at the same time that I was. She started talking about how her baby was kicking and how she could feel little cute movements. It made me realize that I haven't really felt much lately. Still, I convinced myself that everything was probably okay.

As a precaution, I decided to go to the doctor to get an ultrasound so I can see the baby's heartbeat for the first time. My husband and I walked into the hospital pretty excited about the whole experience. I had a happy face on and was beaming from excitement.

As soon as the doctor put the ultrasound probe on my stomach, she had this worried look on her face. It almost looked like she was scared. I held my husband's hand tight and waited for her to talk.

She said three words I never imagined I would ever hear in my life, "No heart beat." She continued talking, but I could barely make out what she was saying. "Your baby is dead," she continued.

My first thoughts were, "this is a third world, war torn country, this doc has no clue what she's doing." I was certain she was wrong and had made a mistake. My husband and I left the hospital completely silent with no emotions on our face.

The next day we decided to get a second opinion at a different hospital. The second doctor told us the same thing. There was no heart beat and there was nothing they can do. They gave us some options and we started the process of removing the fetus from my stomach. The doctor initially gave me some pills to help ease things through. However, two weeks went by and nothing happened. I ended up staying in the hospital for two days. The doc tried everything, but this baby did not want to come out. I was told if nothing happened within 24 hours, they would perform a c-section to get the baby out.

At this point, I was feeling pretty terrible. I kept replaying the whole pregnancy in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong. How did I cause this to happen? What did I eat to cause this? Did I exercise too much? Did I run too much? Where did I mess up? I was certain that all of what was happening was 100% my fault.

SS: What happened next?

I: The baby just wouldn't come out.

I was feeling pretty hopeless and worried about the possibility of having a c-section. I spoke to a friend of mine and she advised me to keep reading Surat Al Zulzalah. I wasn't really sure what use this would be, but I kept reading it. I read it over and over again. I read it more than I've ever read anything else in my life. At some point, it started giving me a lot of comfort. It helped calm me down and subhanAllah the contractions started coming. They were coming very fast and very strong. The baby came... he came out.

After the baby came out, the first thing the nurse asked me was, "do you want to have another baby again?"

I was pretty shocked by the question, but I immediately said, "yes, of course."

She continued with her nonsense, "how could you have another baby after all this?"

The doctor then came in and informed me that I was never going to be able to have a full term baby. She said I had some type of rare condition where all my babies would die in utero.

I left the hospital and went to stay with a friend of the family. I didn't have a lot of emotional support and my husband wasn't with me at the friend's house. My parents weren't there, my in laws weren't there....there wasn't much support.

It really hurt so much when people came to see me and I had no baby for them to see. They talked, they gossiped... they were exhausting. The whole postpartum experience was very overwhelming.

People that visited were extremely unhelpful. They kept telling me that this happened for a reason and I need to keep my iman (faith) strong. None of that mattered. All I wanted was to know my son. To hold him. To touch him.

That's actually my biggest regret. I never touched him. I never held him. The nurse whisked him away and I never saw him again. The hospital buried him too... I even lost all the pictures that my husband took of him on my phone. I wish I had some closure with him. Anything really.

SS: What happened after you went back to your husband's house?

I: When I went back, I really couldn't stand being in the country anymore. I needed to get out. So, I left. I got on an airplane and went to the United States to stay with my family. After going back to the States, I started school again and kept myself busy with finishing off my college degree.

It was hard, really hard. I felt like I was pretending to be someone else so that my parent's don't worry about me. I made it seem like everything was perfectly fine. But it wasn't. My grades were dropping. I had no clue what what I was studying. I was sad all the time... extremely sad. I knew I couldn't have anymore children and I loved kids so much. I felt useless. Long distance relationship after such an experience was not working out for my marriage. My marriage was falling apart. I thought about hurting myself. I started planning out different ways of ending my life. I thought about overdosing. I felt so useless... I didn't even have the guts to end my own life. I just couldn't do it.

SS: Did you know you were depressed?

I: No. I thought it was just a phase of sadness that would eventually go away. I figured if I ignored it long enough, it would just vanish and everything would go back to normal.

SS: Did you get professional help for your depression?

I: No, I didn't get any help.

SS: What stopped you from getting help?

I: I spoke with a close friend a lot who helped me get through some of my lowest times. She encouraged me to get professional help, but I was certain I didn't need any help. I didn't really believe anything was wrong. I knew I was sad and not feeling like myself, but I just believed it would be a phase that would go away on its own.

SS: You had two successful pregnancies after your first, correct?

I: Yes, I did. However, with each pregnancy, I was told I wouldn't be able to have anymore children.

SS: When did you decide to get help?

I: It took me a very, very long time to get help. About seven years after my miscarriage, I finally sought help.

SS: How did you manage your depression in these seven years?

I: I didn't really manage it. I just sort of put everything aside so I can get through each day. Depression between each pregnancy was at its highest and it was very difficult to get through each day. However, a friend told me to read Ayat Al Kursi and the last verses of surat Al Baqarah all the time. I read these verses repeatedly throughout my pregnancies and after each pregnancy. They helped me get through some rough times.

SS: What pushed you to get professional help?

I: I felt like my life was falling apart and I was literally losing my mind. I had no more control of my kids and I felt as if my entire life is just completely out of control. I was also overwhelmed with emotions. I kept blaming myself for so many things and kept feeling guilty for everything that has happened.

My anxiety was out of control as well. I was working myself up so much that I had several panic attacks.

My friend who had tried pushing me to get help insisted this time that I go. She said I should just give it a try, no strings attached.

SS: How do you currently manage your symptoms?

I: I am under the care of a therapist and a psychiatrist. With behavioral therapy and medication, I am able to get better control of my symptoms.

SS: What advice do you have for women who are experiencing postpartum depression?

I: The biggest advice I have is that they should have faith in Allah subhanah watalla. Have faith that Allah will get them out of anything, but also know that Allah gave us resources. We should utilize those resources without feeling guilty or ashamed of our symptoms. There is nothing wrong with getting help. They should accept the fact that they need help.

They should always keep Allah in their lives and be strong. Don't ever think that Allah has abandoned you. Sometimes, He has other plans for you that you might not like or accept, but they're there for a reason.

If you’re feeling suicidal, please call or text: 988. It’s anonymous, you never have to give your name or any identifying information.

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If you have experienced postpartum depression, please share your story in the comments section below or if you want to remain anonymous, send us a message through the contact form.