3rd Year PhD Student
Last day of the semester, my body crashed. Quite literally. The evening of my last class this semester, my body gave up. It held on for so long and just crashed in every sense. I could barely move. I couldn’t get up. My whole body ached. I was sore. I was shivering and had a fever. Just crashed in every way. The final assignment submitted earlier in the day, the last class finished later in the evening, that’s it. There was no need to keep the adrenaline going.
So how did I get here? Let’s do a quick breakdown of my PhD journey and discuss what it has been like for me as a Ph.D student, a mother to four, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a counselor, and so many more identities. How am I maintaining these identities? How are these identities influencing my life and in which way are they impacting my journey?
Let’s backtrack and start from the beginning.
Summer 2021
I have always known I want to go all the way and get a PhD in counseling, however, I never knew when I would take this step. The summer of 2021 was the time I decided I am going to go for it. Ten years after my master’s degree and three kids later, while pregnant with a fourth, I decided this is the year I am going to apply to PhD programs. I spent a good three months researching different programs and universities. In November 2021, I spent over 60 hours working on my applications and gathering paperwork. Finally, I sent in my last application at the end of November 2021 right before the December deadline. A couple of weeks later, I received my invitation for an interview!
Receiving this email was when the reality of what I had started hit. It hit hard.
Fast forward to January 2022, the interview was switched to Zoom due to a rise in COVID cases. The interview was for seven hours! I was six months pregnant, fighting my first case of COVID, and a severe case of pregnancy asthma. For what it’s worth, I did not reveal that I was pregnant. I knew I had a legal right not to reveal it, so I chose not to.
A few days after the interview, I received my unofficial acceptance letter.
Receiving my acceptance letter brought on a lot of feelings and emotions. I knew that whatever has been chosen for me would occur and it would occur in the time that is chosen for me.
I gave birth prematurely a few weeks after my PhD interview and considered deferring a year until I figured things out with my preemie. However, I wholeheartedly believed there was a plan for me and trusted that everything would fall into place. I proceeded with the fall semester as planned.
Fall 2022, Spring 2023, & Fall 2023.
I started the PhD in counseling program and slowly added things to my workload. I started with one course, then added another course the following semester. I then joined two research groups, accepted a position for a counseling assistantship (with a tuition waiver!), and finally added a third course to my load during the fall 2023 semester. For the most part, I felt I had a great grip on everything and was managing it all very well. My family and I had a schedule, we were able to keep everything under control, I felt good where I was.
Spring 2024
This is where I was kicked out of the honeymoon phase. This is where it all sank in and it sank hard. Really hard. This is where I questioned if I can and should keep going. Supervision, that’s what broke me. Some people were surprised I made it two years in the honeymoon phase. Three research classes didn’t break me, supervision did. Supervision is hard. It’s really hard. There are so many parts to it: weekly individual meetings with supervisees, weekly individual meetings with supervisors, weekly 2 hours and 40 minutes of group supervision, signing case notes, being on call for suicide assessment/consultation, and watching over 20 hours of video every week. It’s a lot! This is such a loaded sentence, but that’s what supervision felt like the first semester, it felt loaded. There was so much happening all at once. This is of course in addition to other responsibilities, such as internship, other courses, research commitment, work, and family life. Supervision needs life to freeze just so everything is focused on this one aspect because nothing else in life can be given much attention while a doc student is in a supervision course.
Don’t get me wrong, a lot of learning was happening as well. So much growth too. However, nothing ever prepared me for the amount of stress this responsibility would cause. More than anything, gatekeeping is the most overwhelming aspect of supervision. Who am I helping move forward and who I am saying needs to work a bit more on their counseling skills. This is a big responsibility and one that can’t be taken lightly.
Fall 2024
Second round of supervision! Now I know what to expect, but because I know what to expect, the stress is magnified. I started feeling my body getting tense early on in the semester, my mental capacity wasn’t where it needed to be, and I felt like I had very little patience for my family. Anticipating what will happen and addressing concerns became extremely draining and exhausting. I felt my body just draining itself of energy and wasn’t paying much attention in my other classes. It was too much to handle. This is when I hit burnout. Sadly, even as a licensed counselor, I didn’t immediately recognize what was happening. I tried to keep kicking, keep going, and keep pushing through. There was no time for me to pause and check in on myself, take care of my body and mental health, I had responsibilities and I needed to keep going. There was no time to pause. This is what a PhD program can do to you sometimes; it keeps you on overdrive so that you don’t stop until you achieve the ultimate goal. That’s not good though. It was not good for me. About three weeks into my burnout, I was able to label what was happening. Just giving it a name provided me with so much validation and relief.
Balancing Multiple Identities
Within the school setting, my main identity is that of a PhD student. However, there is so much more to me and this identity doesn’t define who I am entirely. So, where do the other identities fit in? I recall 12 years ago during my master’s program, I had a professor make a statement that I am determined to prove wrong.
He said if you go for a PhD expect it to take over your life and you will not be able to do it while maintaining other identities. I am here to prove him wrong. Why? Because I want all the people out there juggling multiple roles to know that they CAN achieve anything they want if they put their mind to it. If you want something badly enough, you will find a way to get it. I want this PhD and I will do whatever it takes to get it. However, I will not, under any circumstances, do it while jeopardizing my other identities.
I have been tested during this PhD journey for sure, especially this past year. However, I am finding the balance, the confidence, and the voice to make it all work. I am discovering different ways of advocating for myself, even amongst family and friends. Sometimes, it’s needed! I am continuing to set boundaries, both professionally and in my personal life, except with my parents. There are no boundaries with my parents; they have my full heart ❤️.
In conclusion, being a PhD student in the third year is extremely difficult. However, it is doable. It is very, very doable. You have to know what is important, what you need to prioritize and how you will do that. Remember that nothing matters if you are forgetting to take care of your body and prioritize your mental and physical health.
